Writing James Roth

So I’m writing Bitter Secrets, right? I have an outline, a ridiculous amount of notes... What is so hard about getting that on the page, do you ask? Well, the main problem is the guy I'm writing about, James fucking Roth. You see, he walks in and instead of saying the lines I wrote for him, he goes off script. I yank on the reins, trying to get him back on track, but he breaks free and does whatever he wants, leaving my carefully crafted scene in tatters. A lot of times, I'm left staring at the screen, horrified, as he walks off stage, leaving a buzzing silence in his wake.

Roth is a fascinating character, but he’s hard AF to write because he expresses so little and when he speaks, you’re not sure if he’s lying, manipulating you, or telling the truth. Only he knows. I've spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out why he's doing what he’s doing and sometimes, as methodical and rational he is, he’s still human and therefore, it doesn't always makes sense. I've come to realize that he has a self-destruct button to alleviate the pressure.

Do you guys have a “fuck it” button? I do. I quit my cushy, corporate job with only six months of savings because I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated the politics and environment and was having debilitating migraines. My mind was like, “This job is so close to where you live, the benefits are great, you have your own office, it’s not that hard… Stick in there.” But my body rebelled. I was literally walking out the door to go to work one day when a migraine hit so hard, I had to lie down. As I was moaning in bed, I decided right then and there to stop fighting myself, ignore all the reasons why I shouldn’t do it, and quit. My bosses didn’t take it well. They told me they would never hire me back and even my friends and family were like, “What are you doing? You’re set. What are you gonna do? Be a starving writer?” That’s exactly what I intended to do and work at Target to make ends meet if I had to. Long story short: I gave myself six months to “make it” before I had to find another job. I panicked, I fretted, but I put out Crime Lord’s Captive and Recaptured by the Crime Lord (which I wrote the year before) and “hit” on the very last month and… I’ve been writing full-time for 4 years.

The “fuck it” button is when you do something you know you shouldn’t, but you’re so fed up that you’re like, “FUCK IT!” and just let whatever happen, happen. I’ve done this several times. Another example is when I applied for jobs in a city I had never visited, went there for an interview, and promised I could be there in 2 weeks. And I did it. I moved from Nevada to Texas at the drop of a hat. My family thinks I’m nuts, but I get these inexplicable rushes sometimes and when I'm in that mode, nothing is going to stop me. Even as my mind says, “What if this/that happens, is this smart?” another part of my brain just doesn’t care. That adventure to Texas didn't turn out as well, but since it led to where I am today, I can't see it as a failure. I believe everything happens for a reason.

I haven’t had a “fuck it” moment for a while, but when Roth did some crazy shit the other day, I couldn’t help thinking that his self-destruct button was a little too similar to my fuck it button that releases this pent-up pressure. Of course, his is on a much bigger scale. Even as he’s doing it, even though he knows he’s ruining shit he just built up, he can’t stop. He does what he needs to and then accepts the outcome–good, bad, or disastrous.

I remember when Bitter Heat came out that someone said Roth makes Gavin look like a choirboy and I agree. Recently, I wrote this scene and the way it played out… oh gosh. I think it’s gonna be a hard limit for some because you don’t know why he’s doing it, you’re just watching it play out and you’re like, “WTF!” Even I was taken aback, but that’s who he is. He’s unapologetic and callous and yet… There’s these scenes from the past that are such a jarring contrast. Who is the real James Roth?

“I’ve done things you can’t fathom, things that would make your head spin.” He cocked his head. “I’m supposed to tell you I’m a changed man, right? That I regret the things I’ve done and if I had a choice, I wouldn’t do them again.” 

He closed the scant distance between them. 

“I don’t,” he said with savage bite. “I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.” 

Draft of Bitter Secrets © 2021 Mia Knight

I see Roth as the human embodiment of the Beast. He’s this raging savage who doesn’t know how to communicate or express himself in a heathy way. He only knows primitive methods, which are misinterpreted, and make him even more ruthless and terrifying. He’s fascinating and heartbreaking to write. In Bitter Heat, I knew bits of what was driving him, but the deeper we go into the story, the more confused and helpless I feel as I view him from Jasmine’s perspective. Unfortunately, there’s no magic transformation where he’s suddenly a different man. I realize her journey isn't about changing him, but seeing if she has it within herself to accept the Beast for who he is.

Bitter Secrets Progress

I am still racing toward that finish line. I really wanted to finish the first draft by the end of the month and that’s what I’m aiming for, but I may need one more week…? I’m not sure, but I will keep you guys updated! We have the end of the month Q & A/hangout coming up and also more juicy tidbits on my Patreon if you’re interested! Otherwise, I’ll see you next week!